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Literature Text
Through the night I bore witness
To the ancient imperial queen.
Her opal eyes and twilight skin
Beamed a wealth of Syrian beauty,
And her manner of royal dress
A decree of her Egyptian rule.
Yet did I spy a crystal tear--
A shining stream of grief
Born of blood and fated shame--
Solitary in its telling
Of an empire forever lost
To the marching legions of Rome.
It is to me, but a mere man,
That I must bare my soul
To reflect upon the fall
Of a woman's broken heart.
Eternal was the moment when
Tears fell upon golden chains.
To the ancient imperial queen.
Her opal eyes and twilight skin
Beamed a wealth of Syrian beauty,
And her manner of royal dress
A decree of her Egyptian rule.
Yet did I spy a crystal tear--
A shining stream of grief
Born of blood and fated shame--
Solitary in its telling
Of an empire forever lost
To the marching legions of Rome.
It is to me, but a mere man,
That I must bare my soul
To reflect upon the fall
Of a woman's broken heart.
Eternal was the moment when
Tears fell upon golden chains.
Inspired by the true historical life of Zenobia, the Queen of Palmyra: [link]
For this one, I am actually going to keep the group count to a minimum (egads!). This particular queen's life has been something of a special curiosity to me for most of my life (I wanted to learn more about her when I was in high school than almost any other historical figure ever...yet all there was in my World History book was a mere footnote on her), and thus the poem is more about improving technique rather than exposure.
For my dear critics:
The usual first question: Was the grammar, spelling, and punctuation up to snuff (I exclude structure since this is free verse)?
This ties into the first question, but did I use those hyphens correctly, or should I have opted for semicolons instead?
What did you like or dislike most about it?
Was the flow smooth and groovy for you, or did it take a nosedive into choppiness hell?
My tWR critique: [link]
For this one, I am actually going to keep the group count to a minimum (egads!). This particular queen's life has been something of a special curiosity to me for most of my life (I wanted to learn more about her when I was in high school than almost any other historical figure ever...yet all there was in my World History book was a mere footnote on her), and thus the poem is more about improving technique rather than exposure.
For my dear critics:
The usual first question: Was the grammar, spelling, and punctuation up to snuff (I exclude structure since this is free verse)?This ties into the first question, but did I use those hyphens correctly, or should I have opted for semicolons instead?What did you like or dislike most about it?Was the flow smooth and groovy for you, or did it take a nosedive into choppiness hell?My tWR critique: [link]
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Comments31
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Overall Vision Originality Technique Impact(ignore the stars please - just a formality)
hey Delon! <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/> I was under the impression that you only wrote prose. It was a pleasure to discover that you have also started exploring the realm of poetry, and rather well at that!As Ron rightly pointed out, never forsake structure, friend - especially in free verse! Every poem has structure, every poem has rhythm. The difference lies in the flexibility/lack thereof with which the poet chooses to express himself. But no poet is ever truly free from those golden chains!
Now, into it:
Despite being written in vers libre, the poem's flow is maintained very well, particularly in the first stanza, which introduces us to your elegantly old-fashioned writing style. The style befits the subject matter very neatly. I adored the deployment of half-rhymes throughout the poem - witness/dress, queen/skin, shame/Rome, soul/fall, man/when etc. These give the poem a continuity of elegance which binds the poem very nicely.
Some critical points:
Beware the extensive use of inversion, which in this poem may have been over-utilized. The inversion in the final two lines, while very elegant, ends the poem on a somewhat rusty note (in that it makes use of a technique which had already been utilised, and which thus now lacks the power to surprise).
Diction and Imagery. Both complement the poem's theme and setting beautifully, but are lacking in originality. Comparing a tear to a shining stream of grief is poetic, but has been used over and over again throughout the years and has now reached the borders of cliche. Going for fresher metaphors makes successful conveyance of meaning less likely, but it also makes your writing different, and helps it stand out. And if there's one thing us aspiring poets have in common is that we'd like our writing to reverberate and endure, not be dismissed as more of the same good old fare.
In conclusion, well done, and keep it up. I'd love to see your writing continue to develop. I hope you find this critique helpful. I wrote it with the same informality with which I'd comment on the poetry of a close friend, so excuse any brash remark from my part. Take care <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="15" height="15" alt="
" title=" (Smile)"/>