literature

The Seventh Freedom

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Hylanvahr's avatar
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Literature Text

Beneath the austere firmament,
under solar beams of shaded
gold in this holy of holies
rests solitary the prophetic
grimoire forbidden to my
heretic thoughts and
restless heathen touch.

I smile.

All hearts to my left
and all souls to my
right look upon the
judging tome, its
sentinels weary of the
sinner in their midst
who dares seek the prize.

I step forth.

"He doubts us," said they.
My intent is denuded
to their vigilant gaze.
"Yet he believes," came
their grand retort.
My past deeds divest me
before the loyal horde.

I view the words.

By the providence of my Creator,
my legs have escorted me to
fair leather bound bride upon
the altar built by the hands
of those that beset me
on all sides in this place;
the end of my chosen path.

I hear the whispered message.

I am set upon by the morn,
the touch of dawn upon
my fair skin casting it aglow,
its potent wrath cleaving
the remnant shadows and
coveted secrecy of my sins
with executioner's prejudice.

I feel the sacred blood's warmth.

Behold! the pages did compel
my inner font of eternity
as the revelation of the scales
of judgment balanced my virtue
and vice in the presence
of the Judge before His jury,
though none were my peers.

I take flight in liberty's divine rapture.

I am taken aloft in the arms
of the alpha Mother
and the omega Father;
a vessel of disbelief and
acceptance spinning above,
a helpless unity of Heaven
and Hell to be torn by both.

Amen.
I have chosen to walk the fine line between faith and reason, but I wonder just how dearly it may cost me in the end.

Questions for those admirable souls that accept my challenge of critique:

:bulletred:Was it too long?
:bulletgreen:Did the piece convey a meaningful message, or did it come across as offensive or pretentious?
:bulletblue:Was the grammar and flow befitting of a piece so obviously focused on elements of Christianity?
:bulletblack:The critique below by =angeljunkie has mentioned that "executioner" in the last line of the fifth stanza throws that part of the poem off-balance. Do you agree, and if so, what do think could help improve it?

As always...

...I humbly honor your comments and criticism.

You can also find my correspondence critique for #theWrittenRevolution in the comments section of this poem: [link]

Next time, we embrace nature as thanks to those who have helped us in our artistic endeavors...
© 2011 - 2024 Hylanvahr
Comments22
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ilike2draw's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

Hello, this critique will be on behalf of <img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/s/u/s…" alt=":iconsuperwritershelp:" title="SuperWritersHelp"/>.
I will also be using a key, which will stand for the following:
S=Stanza
L=Line


First off, I would like to thank you for asking for suggestions in your comments. It lets me know what I should be focusing on and paying attention to when I get to it. So, thank you. I will first give a general critique and then move onto your questions.

Let’s begin.

Imagery
I have to say, your imagery and descriptions were beautiful. I felt like I was reading a piece of art (if that makes sense). It was really beautiful and thought provoking, and I loved it.

Spelling, Grammar, and Punctuation
Have to say, you were pretty right on with grammar. No errors. I give you props. The only things I found were on punctuation.

-S3, L4: I suggest maybe inserting a comma after “tome.”
-S13, L3: I would suggest adding a semicolon after “father” since it seems like your ending your “thought,” but continuing on into the next line (if that makes sense).

Your Questions
<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt=":bulletpurple:" title="Bullet; Purple"/>Was it too long?

No, I thought the length was fine. The length didn’t bother me one bit.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt=":bulletpink:" title="Bullet; Pink"/>Did the piece convey a meaningful message, or did it come across as offensive or pretentious?

I think it was a meaningful message. To me, it seemed as though you were almost “arguing” or “fighting” with your spirituality/religion. Almost as though you were trying to find meaning. I think a lot of people can relate to that.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt=":bulletblue:" title="Bullet; Blue"/>Was the grammar and flow befitting of a piece so obviously focused on elements of Christianity?

Your grammar was perfect. Astounding. Magnificent.

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/b/b…" width="10" height="10" alt=":bulletred:" title="Bullet; Red"/>The critique below by =angeljunkie has mentioned that "executioner" in the last line of the fifth stanza throws that part of the poem off-balance. Do you agree, and if so, what do think could help improve it?

I don’t personally think it throws anything off. However, I think I know where the other critique is coming from. Realistically speaking, an executioner doesn’t have any prejudice. They have a job; to kill someone, and they’re going to do it. Although I do like the word “executioner” with this stanza, maybe another word to show that the person does have prejudice. Maybe an onlooker or a juror (even though juror’s are supposed to remain unbiased, that rarely happens).

Overall
You did a fabulous job with this piece. It was thought provoking and just eloquently written.

As a rating I would have to give you a:

<img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="17" height="16" alt=":star:" title="Star!"/><img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="17" height="16" alt=":star:" title="Star!"/><img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="17" height="16" alt=":star:" title="Star!"/><img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="17" height="16" alt=":star:" title="Star!"/><img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/s/s…" width="17" height="16" alt=":star:" title="Star!"/> (5/5 Stars)

Magnificent job.
~Veronica<img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/e/e/e…" alt=":iconeeyoreplz:" title="eeyoreplz"/>